Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
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Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Every photo I’m tagged in
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!